Mom Didn't Teach Me That

In honor of Mother's Day I tried to write a nice stinking post about what a wonderful mom I have. Truly she is awesome. It turned out mushy and squishy though so I changed tactics. I decided instead to list all my faults that in no way came be attributed to Mom. I linked up to Friday Follow at One2Try so everyone will know not to blame my mom!

(Click One2Try. I gave up on the button.)
I also (very belatedly) discovered New Friend Friday at The Girl Creative though Wacky Whimsy (I gave up on that button too.) I am now editing to add that and looking forward to staying up all night exploring blogs.

My mom taught me many great things. She taught me how to swaddle my babies up like a burrito and she taught me to make fried chicken. But there are a lot of things she didn't teach me.

1. Mom didn't teach me the fashion tip of, "If there is something sub par up top, like bad hair, just show more chest." Example here.

2. Mom did not teach me to enjoy smutty romance novels. It is always obvious when mom gets to the smut in a book because she sighs audibly and purses her little lips together while she frantically flips pages. I on the other hand turn the pages backwards and read the smut over and over. The love scene in The Fixer Upper would have almost been acceptable to her.

3. Never once have I heard my mother utter, "It's nothing that a little wine won't fix." She drinks tea. Iced tea. She is never more than two feet from a glass of tea. One with a lot of ice. She certainly wasn't responsible for this. (Neither was I. More later.)

4. She didn't teach me to cuss. Her favorite cuss phrase is, "crap a monkey". The kids find this hilarious.

5. I didn't get my plant murdering gene fro her. My mom has such a lovely garden. I really did try to be gardeny like her. It didn't take. My wanted poster is now hanging in the Home Depot outdoor department.

6. My lovely mother did not teach me to color my hair to the point I no longer remember what the natural hue is. Not did she ever encourage me to wear hussy heels.

7. I didn't learn driving skills from mom. Never once did she teach me to change lanes by chanting, "Signal, Look, Swerve!". In fact from time to time she points out that the other drivers can't hear my intentions from their cars.

8. A lack of modesty is something I must have learned elsewhere. My mother was shocked last summer when I informed my bathing suit critiquing daughter she had to, "Pick one because this [maternity] swimsuit can't cover both my boobs and my belly simultaneously." (Picture not avaliable. Aren't we all glad?)

Basically my mom taught me all the good things that I am and do. The rest...I blame on Dad.

Mom, I love you. The kids love you too!