A few years ago, almost three to be exact, I went to the grocery store. That in itself is not anything out of the ordinary. I buy a lot of groceries. This particular time I brought Tan Man.
If you have read my blog at all you have probably read about some of his antics. If not you can check them out here and here.
I love Tan Man. I hate taking him to the grocery store. He has to touch everything. When he does that he knocks stuff over. He doesn't ask for candy, or whine for anything. He is just everywhere. After aisle 2 he asks every five minutes, "Are we done yet? Is it time to pay?" It is like taking a monkey on crack with three arms to the grocery store.
One time right after I had Saigie I went to the grocery store with Saigie who was just days old and Tan Man. He kept running off and I kept having to chase him. That was no easy feat three days after giving birth. By the time I got into the car to go home I had to call my mom, bawling. I told her he had driven me crazy and I had held on to his arm so hard that I was afraid the little guy was going to have a bruise. Mom came and picked him up probably saving the lives of both Tan Man and myself.
After that I strategically planned my shopping trips not to include Tan Man. It was better for both of us.
Fast forward several years and I had recently had a baby and again I needed to go to the store. This time I had a helpful husband and I could leave the baby with him. I also could have left Tanner, but it was time for him to go to wrestling practice. I took a deep breath and explained to him we were going to make a quick stop at the grocery store.
I literally ran from aisle to aisle getting the groceries I needed. Tan Man in usual fashion touched everything and asked me a zillion times if we were done. He didn't run off as much as he was older, probably 4th grade and more obedient.
Finally I had made all my purchases and went to the checkout. I realized I had forgotten some cold medicine for my oldest who was under the weather so I asked Tanner to continue placing items on the conveyer belt and I ran to get some.
As I was running back Tanner starts to yell at me. Tanner has an unusually LOUD voice. It is one of his many sensory uniquenesses (Yes....that's a word.) If Tanner has something to say people in the next county are sure to hear it. This being a crowded grocery store everyone was sure to hear his query.
MOM! MOM, THESE ARE CONDOMS. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BUY CONDOMS? MOM, WHY DO YOU NEED CONDOMS? MOM? MOM? ARE THESE REALLY YOUR CONDOMS? MOM? WHY? WHY ARE YOU BUYING CONDOMS?
Come on! It was about five weeks after Tayte and was born. And. Well. You can do the math. Tanner had a general idea about condoms being related to reproduction because my oldest came home a day or two before and told me he saw one in the boys' bathroom at school and we discussed it. Tanner heard this conversation because I am casual about these questions in order to avoid awkwardness and repetition.
In addition to that we had recently had a related conversation because he had seen an AIDS commercial on TV. That conversation went like this.
Tanner: Mom when I grow up and get married and have sex with my wife, will I get AIDS.
Me : No. Probably not Tanner.
Tanner: Mom, If I grow up and get married and have sex with my wife and I DO get AIDS, and my pecker falls off, then do I have to be gay.
Me: ARRRRRGHHHHHH. (What are you watching at your dad's??) No Tanner. People can die from AIDS , not loose parts. And gay men do still have all their parts. That is not why they are gay.
So, the loud inquisition continues on even though I am shushing Tanner and telling him that if he will just zip it I will explain it all in the car. By that time though he was quite worked up and that didn't manage to seep into his brain. Finally I matched his volume and said, "Tanner! I am buying those because everyone in the store would agree that FOUR CHILDREN IS ENOUGH!!!!" Some people around us were chuckling, some were just staring at the spectacle of us.
When we got into the car I explained. Tan Man was relieved. It turns out the surprise and corresponding volume was due to the fact that he thought the condoms meant I was about to have another baby. At that time he just had a general idea that sex = babies (or AIDS as the case may be) he hadn't gotten around to asking about the details.
So I can never return to that store.
Don't judge me!!
1. Why would I even buy them with a kid present? Hello? Like I am EVER alone and like I really want to make an extra trip to the store.
2. When you have a lot of babies the older kids have plenty of opportunities to ask questions. If I don't answer the questions, who will?
In the future though I will tell them these questions should be addressed in PRIVATE.
~ Wow. Two TMI posts in the same week.