So many kids, I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"The Coach" Speaks!

I always try to get The Coach to take pictures while I am racing.  He never does.  This time I told him if he would take some pictures he could guest blog.  We had to hash out the details, like how many pictures he was allowed to post of stranger's boobs, but we finally came to an agreement.  In a move I may live to regret.  Here's The Coach!

So the wife says that I get to be her guest blogger today.  Woo hooo!  If you have been paying attention to her blog lately, you know it's officially triathlon season.  I can hardly contain my excitement.  She wanted me to share the race from my point of view.  I gladly accepted. goes.

The alarm went off at 3:25 AM and my dog looked at me and said, *"What the blue hell is that noise?  Is the house on fire?  Please tell me you aren't going to make me get up and go pee right now at this hour.  I promise I won't eat anymore of the cat litter if you just let me go back to sleep!" 
We got up, the dog peed, we loaded the truck and were out of the house by 3:45.  It's amazing when my wife and I go on a date I have to tell her we are leaving 30 minutes before we actually are, so she will be on time, but for a triathlon she's early.  I don't get it.

We stopped by the gas station so I could  mainline of this wonderful creation from God.  It is the only way I could possibly stay awake. 

For those of you who don't see 3:45 AM very often allow me to explain how early it is. 
In a city of 4 million people.  We passed one car on the road.
It's even too early for the fishing show to be on the radio.  It doesn't start until 4AM.  So for about 6 minutes of the drive we got to listen to some idiot talk about ghosts and alien life forms and how he was "butt diddled" by ghosts of alien life forms. 
FINALLY my favorite fishing show came on.  Heather hates it.  She thinks that the fishing guy is an idiot and is hard to understand.  She definitely thinks the people who call in at 4AM are idiots.  She voiced that at about 4:13 AM and I just looked at her and thought, "We are up at this time so you can go torture yourself for 3 hours and you want to complain about some fisherman calling into a radio show."  I didn't say that out loud because she would've either hit me or farted.  I don't know which one is worse at 4:13 AM.  I do enjoy the fishing show, but I really enjoy that she hates it.  It's part of my payback for having to get up at the ass crack of dawn.

Finally we arrived and I got to watch Heather's pre-race routine.  Some people pray, run a half-mile to warm up, stretch.  Not my "Hot Ass Triathlete", she runs to this wonderful contraption at least 23 times before the race.  I've finally just started putting my lawn chair right next to it (up-wind, of course).  I've thought to myself quite often that I'm going to buy a "port-a-shitter" company just for the sake of my wife's usage at triathlons. I bet I would be rich by now.

We finally made it to the start of the race, well, not actually.  Normally the swim starts from land, but this time they get to load this wonderful mode of transportation.  It takes them out into the Gulf of Mexico one mile and they swim straight in.  Well most people swim straight in.  If you tracked my wife's swim path it would looked like a very skilled cross-stitch.  She doesn't understand straight.  She's trying though.

 The funny thing is, we've been on this boat before.  Wanna know when?  Well I'm going to tell you. 
When my wife and I had been dating a while, I don't think we were married yet, she told me she had this wonderfully romantic dinner-date planned for me.  I was excited.  Figured it out yet?  Yep, this boat doubles as a dancing buffet.  She paid MONEY for us to go on this thing at one time and dance to a one-man band and eat school cafeteria food.  It was the worst date I have ever been on in my life.  Y'all may think I'm a jerk right now.  Don't....she will tell you the same thing.  **At one point in the date we both thought about jumping overboard and swimming a couple miles back to shore. 

Let's get back to the race.

While she was sitting on the boat getting ready to go swim her mile, I moseyed into an outdoor bar.  It was closed because the only people up at 5:45AM on a Sunday are God, us, and the most intellectual security guard I've ever had a conversation with.  I sat down at the bar and started watching Sports Center.  This bar is a pathway from the parking lot to the boardwalk.  There were at least 100 people walking through this thing. 
Well, Mr. Rent-a-Cop came in and asked me what I was doing.  I could've been a smartass but I simply said, "catching up on some scores.  How are you doing?"  He proceeded to tell me that I had set off the security system and I needed to leave.  I looked and pointed at all the people walking through the bar and wondered how they didn't set it off.  I guess I could've stood and watched TV but as soon as I say my ass down in the chair it set the alarm off.  That's one high quality security system.  After about a 25 minute conversation with "The Smartest Security Guard Ever", I made my way around the boardwalk to see my wife zig-zag her way into the shore.

I thought to myself,"what am I going to do for 3 hours?"  Most people could watch a full baseball game, or any of the Lord of the Rings movies, drive to San Antonio, or SLEEP.  I decided to wander aimlessly around Kemah and check out the sights.

The first sight I came across was a twenty-something guy sitting in a chair, watching the contestants swim to the shore.  He was on his phone, cussing up a storm and acting like Mr. Pimp Daddy.  In the meantime I was in a conversation with a woman who was about 6 months pregnant and I noticed that she was rubbing her back.  I guarantee she wished she would have stayed in bed for this 3 hours. 
Anyway, I asked Pimp Daddy if he would mind getting up for about 5 minutes so she could rest her back.  I got one of the most prolific responses I've ever heard in my life.  "I'm comfortable."  Wow!  I asked again even more politely and his response was, "Yo dog.  I'm comfortable."  I've never thought about getting into a fight at a triathlon, mainly because I'm checking out all the fake boobs.  It was all I could do to keep from throwing that scrawny kid halfway into the ocean and letting that lady sit down.  I simply walked away.....hoping he choked on his drink.

***I decided to go see Miss Cleo and have my crystal ball read.  Here's what she said to me.  "What's your name sweetie."  She's the psychic, why was she asking me my name?  She did tell me that I was going to have unlimited "kitchen passes" for a year because of my wonderfulness and awesomeness and athletic supportness.  She told me what an amazing and great a husband I was.  I already knew these things.  I was excited about the "kitchen passes".

I thought about going right next door to the "Love Specialist".  I soon realized that I didn't need any help in this department.  I was going to get all the "lovin" I wanted after this little jaunt. 

The race was finally winding down and my "Hot Ass Triathlete" was doing better than the last time she ran this distance.  Overall, I got to see her swim in, get on her bike, come back on her bike, start the run, stop and use the "port-a-shitter" mid-race.  I saw her about 2 miles into the run and she had just barely passed a contestant with a walker.  I was so excited I yelled that she actually passed someone.  The guy was not happy.  I laughed.

In all seriousness.  I am glad to go support my wife at her triathlons..........who are we kidding............I go for the fake boobs.  She knows it, I know it, why lie about it?  This race's "talent" was not very impressive.  There was, however, one lady who finished the race without a spec of makeup out of place.  Funny thing is, she was probably prettier without the makeup.

I'm glad for the experience.  My wife did awesome.  She was proud of herself.  I did learn something at this time I'm bringing my cooler and my fishing pole.

What does your husband do while you are busy with your hobbies?

So there you have it.  A race recap from The Coach.
*Our dog doesn't actually talk.  She does eat cat litter.
**I didn't consider jumping into the Gulf to escape.  It was February.  I do not like cold.
***These two paragraphs are completely fabricated.

Leave him some comment love if you want, but not too much.  I'll never hear the end of it if he gets more comments than I do.  :)


  1. What a sweet thing to go at 3:25 to go see your wife swim, run and bike for 3 are a better spouse than I am. :)

    My husband has been trying to get me to go hunting with him for years....not happening, but he isn't going to dance comp's with me either and I think that's a fair trade!

    Congrats on your awesome triathlon!

  2. I loved reading this! It's hilarious. Sounds like something my husband would write.

  3. Coach, you're a good man. I'm curious though...does Heather's mom wash your mouth out with soap? :)

  4. Love seeing The Coach's perspective! Also, I just have to ask, why would anyone voluntarily dive into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark? Shudder.

  5. tehehe...that was fun!

    I always enjoy getting both sides of the story. Nice work Coach!

  6. No wonder he can't take a picture of you, he's too busy seeing the sights, boobs and all.

  7. Cracking up. At the dog, the cross-stitch, the fart, the alarmed bar seat, the rude sitter, the guard, the pictures... I think it's more fun to "watch" a triathalon than to race???

  8. NICE!
    I would never...I repeat NEVER let my husband do a guest blog. NEVER!!!

    I loved this - "I do enjoy the fishing show, but I really enjoy that she hates it."

    Now there's some nice passive aggressive behavior I can get behind!!

    Great job, husband!!

  9. I laughed so hard at this post... "she's the psychic"...
    I'm gonna buy a porta-shitter company."

    Have him guest blog more often. The wonderful, cynical world of a husband to a triathlete.

  10. Now that's a good supportive husband, and I think he got a porta-shitter load of entertainment out of the trip.

  11. Nobody told me there were fake boobs at a triathlon!

  12. Comment love for the Coach for sure!!!! He had me at port-o-shitter!
    Great piece of writing...where's his blog, I'm his first follower!
    This was terrific and funny, and witty.
    And congrats again Heather on that stupid triathlon...I only say it's stupid 'cause I couldn't do it and you're a rockstar! Love ya hun!

  13. The Coach has a wonderful sense of humor. I'm still chuckling over that port-a-shitter bit.

  14. Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful comment on Blueviolet's post.

    Your husband is a wonderfully fun writer. Loved his post! I am now following you.

  15. First, thanks for commenting on my blog! Second, what a great post! My husband and your husband would have a blast hanging at races together!


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