Tuesday, April 5, 2011
We stopped by the gas station so I could mainline of this wonderful creation from God. It is the only way I could possibly stay awake.
In a city of 4 million people. We passed one car on the road.
It's even too early for the fishing show to be on the radio. It doesn't start until 4AM. So for about 6 minutes of the drive we got to listen to some idiot talk about ghosts and alien life forms and how he was "butt diddled" by ghosts of alien life forms.
FINALLY my favorite fishing show came on. Heather hates it. She thinks that the fishing guy is an idiot and is hard to understand. She definitely thinks the people who call in at 4AM are idiots. She voiced that at about 4:13 AM and I just looked at her and thought, "We are up at this time so you can go torture yourself for 3 hours and you want to complain about some fisherman calling into a radio show." I didn't say that out loud because she would've either hit me or farted. I don't know which one is worse at 4:13 AM. I do enjoy the fishing show, but I really enjoy that she hates it. It's part of my payback for having to get up at the ass crack of dawn.
Finally we arrived and I got to watch Heather's pre-race routine. Some people pray, run a half-mile to warm up, stretch. Not my "Hot Ass Triathlete", she runs to this wonderful contraption at least 23 times before the race. I've finally just started putting my lawn chair right next to it (up-wind, of course). I've thought to myself quite often that I'm going to buy a "port-a-shitter" company just for the sake of my wife's usage at triathlons. I bet I would be rich by now.
When my wife and I had been dating a while, I don't think we were married yet, she told me she had this wonderfully romantic dinner-date planned for me. I was excited. Figured it out yet? Yep, this boat doubles as a dancing buffet. She paid MONEY for us to go on this thing at one time and dance to a one-man band and eat school cafeteria food. It was the worst date I have ever been on in my life. Y'all may think I'm a jerk right now. Don't....she will tell you the same thing. **At one point in the date we both thought about jumping overboard and swimming a couple miles back to shore.
Let's get back to the race.
While she was sitting on the boat getting ready to go swim her mile, I moseyed into an outdoor bar. It was closed because the only people up at 5:45AM on a Sunday are God, us, and the most intellectual security guard I've ever had a conversation with. I sat down at the bar and started watching Sports Center. This bar is a pathway from the parking lot to the boardwalk. There were at least 100 people walking through this thing.
Well, Mr. Rent-a-Cop came in and asked me what I was doing. I could've been a smartass but I simply said, "catching up on some scores. How are you doing?" He proceeded to tell me that I had set off the security system and I needed to leave. I looked and pointed at all the people walking through the bar and wondered how they didn't set it off. I guess I could've stood and watched TV but as soon as I say my ass down in the chair it set the alarm off. That's one high quality security system. After about a 25 minute conversation with "The Smartest Security Guard Ever", I made my way around the boardwalk to see my wife zig-zag her way into the shore.
The first sight I came across was a twenty-something guy sitting in a chair, watching the contestants swim to the shore. He was on his phone, cussing up a storm and acting like Mr. Pimp Daddy. In the meantime I was in a conversation with a woman who was about 6 months pregnant and I noticed that she was rubbing her back. I guarantee she wished she would have stayed in bed for this 3 hours.
Anyway, I asked Pimp Daddy if he would mind getting up for about 5 minutes so she could rest her back. I got one of the most prolific responses I've ever heard in my life. "I'm comfortable." Wow! I asked again even more politely and his response was, "Yo dog. I'm comfortable." I've never thought about getting into a fight at a triathlon, mainly because I'm checking out all the fake boobs. It was all I could do to keep from throwing that scrawny kid halfway into the ocean and letting that lady sit down. I simply walked away.....hoping he choked on his drink.